Again, I have to say that it's fantastic. The internet really keeps us connected like never before. So the whole purpose was that the author decided to go off the internet grid and he was going to see what a fantastic difference it made in his life. It made a difference in the beginning but towards the end of the year, he realized just how much of a benefit the internet was to keep him connected to those around us. There is an awesome quote in the article: "But then I spoke with Nathan Jurgenson, a ‘net theorist who helped organize the conference. He pointed out that there's a lot of "reality" in the virtual, and a lot of "virtual" in our reality."
I'll be honest,the main reason why I got back online and restarted my Facebook and got a twitter account was because I was/am lonely. I really don't interact with people outside of my family on a day to day basis. I've lost touch with a lot of friends over the years due to moves and what not. And being a former military spouse, I didn't really want to plant roots anywhere because eventually we would move or they would move. It was that fear that held me back. Now I'm approaching my 33rd birthday and I'm feeling the heaviness of keeping myself closed off for so long. Heck I completely ignored people that cared about me for a good two years. I was a bad friend,. I admit it.
It stared with my husband deploying as a contractor overseas. This time there was no FRG (Family Readiness Group) to support me. My local friends had husbands who were around majority of the time. I had one friend whose husband did the sound for a big deal rock band so she understood the not having your husband home bit but not the whole "my husband is in constant danger" part of it. The women I made friends with in the military had all moved out of state because the post our unit was stationed at decided to move the entire aviation division down to Texas. So really, there wasn't anyone around who really understood and I started to close myself off. This lasted a good two years. The year he was gone and a year after he came home. I only recently started to come out of my (for lack of better word) depression and now am reaping what I sowed.
I'm still feeling it though. But part of me trying to get back into socializing and reconnecting started with reactivating my Facebook account. I left it dormant for a VERY long time. The relationships aren't the same and I know I missed so much of peoples lives.
But this has all been a learning process for me. I've learned a lot about myself in the last few months. I have a HUGE fear of rejection that's why I don't like to put myself out there. I'm lazy (don't tell my husband I admitted that). I have a craving for people. I fear them rejecting me but I want their friendship and acceptance anyway. I realize that I'm a strange individual and that can turn people off to me. I don't share a lot of things because I don't like to feel like I'm being judged. I've said it before and I'll say it again, I am weird for a Christian. I'd classify myself as a liberal Christian. I'll talk to you about my beliefs but I'm not going to judge you for your "sins". We all have our shortcomings. Some have more than others. I do know that I like to love on people. I have a desire to make people happy and it makes me happy to know that maybe I brightened someones day. I've always been a giver and I think that's another reason I stepped back for a while. I got burnt out with people needing me and expecting that I would do things because I am a giver and I like to make people happy. People started to disappoint me too. Forgetting about me, breaking promises, etc. So I got tired of people and decided that I didn't need people anymore, convinced myself that since I was the only one I could truly depend on, that I didn't need anyone else. Yeah I realize now that I wasn't in a healthy mindset. That I was probably being influenced by forces outside myself. When I was in that season, I couldn't see it and it's a constant day to day battle not to fall back into that way of thinking.
But today took a step forward and admitted to my husband that I'm lonely. I don't know if he took me seriously or not but he did tell me to get out more. I'd like to have him figure out how I'm supposed to do that when he's off fishing half the time and the rest of the time he's at school (we only have one car). So baby steps right. Reconnect online, check! Admit the way I'm feeling to someone other than myself, check!
I have to say though, if it wasn't for church I probably wouldn't have gotten back onto Facebook (it was peer pressure I tell you) or be socializing at all whether it be virtual or actual. I really look forward to Wednesday night Bible Study and church on Sunday 'cause I actually get to see people and talk to them. I'm probably just feeling extra mopey today because I didn't make it last night. It was snowing pretty hard, my youngest wasn't feeling well and to be frank neither was I.
So I'm trying to be better. Trying to overcome my demons. I just hope that I can make a real connection with people who will love me for me and not judge me. That's all I really ask for.
And that my friends is Kristi's introspective rant for the day. And I'm not going to spell check or re-read it cause I'm a rebel like that. Thank you and have a good night. :)